It has been an extremely long week starting Sunday.
We went to visit our family with the babies last weekend. It was a relatively short trip (3.5 hours) but we had loads of help. My mother, MIL and nephew all came with. We had to take two vehicles to deliver some furniture so we had the room. Both my family and my wife's all live there so this was the first time that many of our family members would see the babies.
The trip down went better than I expected. The stay was ok. The babies seemed to handle traveling fine. Flash forward to Sunday.
We were getting ready to go and stopping by so the great grandparents could see the babies one more time. At our next to last stop Chloe stopped breathing. She was blue by the time I walked in the house. There were three people other than me who knew CPR and only one of them was nervously doing anything. This was my baby and I didn't know if I could do this.
I have taken CPR every year for the past few years. I had an infant CPR class before the hospital (big joke - 10 minute video and a single round of practice). I really never thought I could do it if I had to. It's another life in your hands after all.
When I walked in the house and they told me she wasn't breathing, I was fluid. I don't remember opening the door and I have no clue how I made it across the room. When I started CPR I couldn't remember how many breaths and how many compressions. None of that mattered.
Three breaths in and I couldn't see her chest rise. I adjusted her airway and the next breath went in. The next minute is a blur. I don't know how many breaths it took. I don't know how many compressions I delivered but her first breath on her own I remember. The ambulance was there in a couple of minutes and it was really difficult to keep her from slipping back.
She didn't. The hospital was a terrible experience, one I could write volumes about. She stopped breathing once more in the hospital and then again before we put her on the helicopter to a hospital that cared about her life as much as I do. It was the shortest and the longest drive I have ever made back home from there.
She is doing ok and was released from the hospital yesterday on a monitor. In a way I am glad we have the monitor because I don't think I could get any sleep without it. We are still not sure what caused the apnea. She was having some respiratory issues or it could have been reflux. We will probably never know.
I challenge you to ask yourself if you could ... if you HAD to. If the answer isn't yes, take a class because you never know when you are going to need to do it without thinking, without worrying if you are getting it perfect or being the one who knows how and just can't do it.
I can do it. I can turn off emotion and react. I couldn’t pick her up for a couple of days after without bursting in to tears.